What in the 14 year old?

What is with ALL of the feelings?

I was reading through my teenage journals again (why do we do this to ourselves?) and was thoroughly embarrassed by the absolute absurdity of my emotional ups and downs… while also realizing—I am LIVING IT AGAIN.

"Cool. Cool cool cool". - Jake Peralta

It’s a good thing my husband is always up for a good root, because damn. I haven’t felt like this since my late teens/early twenties. And oh—the STORIES I could tell about my sex life back then. Most people wouldn’t believe me if I swore on a Bible.

After having kids, I will fully admit that sex was not one of my favourite extracurricular activities. That phase lasted a long damn time. Ask my husband—he will nod in aggressive agreement. Honestly, I think he’s a fan of this new version of me and probably prays nightly that these hormones stick around forever and ever. Amen.

Then the kids got older, life got a bit less chaotic—who knows. When I hit 40, my 14-year-old passionate self made a brief comeback tour… and then promptly disappeared into space and time again.

Bless my husband. And bless the fact that, over nearly 27 years together, we learned how to actually communicate with each other.

But now, as I creep closer to the big Five-Oh, my raging libido has returned. And while I’m not exactly mad about it, I also know how this story goes. It feels like one of those old toys where you pull the string—and after a short while, the string retracts and everything just… stops.

Is that all this is?

A temporary surge? A hormonal prank? A “limited-time offer” on lust and passion?

Because history has shown… it doesn’t last.

And meanwhile—how are we, as midlife women, supposed to function with these wild hormone fluctuations?

One minute I’m crying over a YouTube video about an abandoned baby, and the next I’m standing at the grocery store checkout while the cashier holds up a ring of sausage saying, “This is the best sausage I’ve ever had,” and in my head I’m like… sis. Totally.

This is what we’re working with.

It’s frustrating, because I don’t want to relive adolescence. I’ve heard stories about people in their 70s and 80s still having active sex lives and honestly? I question whether that’s folklore.

That said, I am deeply grateful I have (so far) avoided the full-blown perimenopausal rage I hear so much about. I truly cannot imagine adding a dash of fury into this already chaotic hormonal soup.

Is it just me?

I don’t have a big circle of female friends—I’ve always fit in better with the guys—and I’m estranged from my mother, so she’s not exactly someone I can call up and ask, “Hey, did you also feel like a horny, emotional teenager again in your late 40s?”

And my doctor? He won’t even test my hormone levels. Says it’s not necessary. Says they go by symptoms.

Cool again.

But how exactly does one approach their doctor and say: “Hi, yes, I think about sex constantly. Also, I cry randomly. And I can’t regulate my body temperature to save my life.”

Is my GP enough for this? Do I look into a naturopath? Or do I just… embrace the chaos? Ride the ever-changing wave of this second puberty and enjoy the hormones while they’re here?

Because I didn’t know what the hell to do the first time puberty hit—and I definitely wasn’t about to ask my father.

And now?

Now I’m just a 14-year-old in a 48-year-old body, waking up every day wondering what version of myself is going to show up.