Mother's Day

Mother's Day. Another commercial day where Hallmark (back when people still gave cards to each other) and greenhouses make millions. According to my husband, when he worked at KFC in his youth, it was their busiest day of the year.

Some women choose not to have children, which I 100% respect. Kids are definitely not for everyone.

Some can't have children for a plethora of reasons.

Some have had children and lost them; something my brain doesn’t even want to go near trying to comprehend.

I am a bit of a mixed bag.

I have three amazing, fantastic kids that I can't fathom my life without.

They are all adults now, and I find it hard to look back at old pictures of them at certain ages. You don't really reminisce when you're in the thick of it for 18+ years. Some of those years I was in survival mode — for my health, our finances, our marriage.

I sit here in the dark writing this post, thinking of their giggles and smiles and shenanigans when they were little. I was a mom then. Why is it that I don't feel that way anymore?

Maybe because I am not responsible for them anymore and they make their own choices and life decisions? Maybe because they need me a little bit less than they used to?

I KNOW I am a mom, but the actual “momming” part has taken a back seat, it feels.

They still call me Mom, so I know that I am one. But the busyness of motherhood has slowed down… almost ceased. At least that is how it feels right now.

I am SO incredibly blessed to have three beautiful kids. Not everyone can say that for various reasons. None of them have been in jail or in trouble with the law. They are polite, loving people. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have had a part in shaping their lives.

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I used to have a decent relationship with my mother.

She left my dad and me when I was two, and Dad and I moved to the other side of the country when I was three. Dad would fly me home during summer holidays when he could afford to.

I LOVED my mother so much when I was little.

But for the longest time, I was made to believe — by her — that Dad just up and took me.

Visiting my mother as a kid was a breath of fresh air and a break from the anger and emotional abuse I dealt with from my father. I remember calling her collect so frequently when I was a teen, begging her to let me live with her and my half siblings. The answer was always no, but never really with any explanation.

After I graduated high school, I was with my firstborn’s father, and he sent me “home” as a surprise birthday present. It was during that trip that I found out it was actually her who had left Dad and me.

She absolutely had valid reasons. Many of which I would later learn the hard way as I grew up with my father.

But she lied.

She lied to me about a number of things.

And she came off that pedestal I had held her on pretty quickly.

I was so angry that I had carried resentment and contempt toward my dad for so long for reasons that weren’t entirely true.

There are many other reasons that I decided to go no-contact with her five years ago. But the biggest one was the complete lack of accountability for any of her choices and lies.

We all make mistakes. We are human. But we should try to learn from them and take accountability for the hurt we cause.

She just is unable to.

So after many conversations, many tears, and multiple trips to see her in an attempt to make her understand my feelings — all of which failed — I finally, with support from my husband, told her I wasn't able to have any kind of relationship with her anymore. That I was broken. And that I would not speak to her again.

I know Mother's Day is probably uneasy for her these last few years, having only two of her children celebrate with her.

I am not oblivious to the fact that my decision to cut her out was — and still is — painful for her.

And honestly? I am sorry for that.

I never wanted to hurt her.

I just needed to finally start looking after myself and how I felt.

She had shown me multiple times that she was unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for her choices, so eventually I had to say goodbye for my own health.

That side of Mother's Day is a bit somber for me.

But the joy I feel being a mother to three terrific children — children I am endlessly proud of — outweighs the sadness.

And thankfully, I also have an amazing mother-in-law whom I can talk to about anything, and I know she is always there for me.