Friendship

I see on a regular basis in my local moms’ Facebook group, women of all ages saying they feel like they have no friends and want to build friendships with other moms who share similar interests or have children the same age. Some are young moms. Some are older, like myself.

When does this friendship shift happen, and why?

Many of us lose touch with our high school friends after graduation. Maybe we keep in contact with a select few for a while. But life happens.

Some people go off to university or college. Some move away. Some take jobs in different provinces or countries. Some travel.

And in my case, I started my family six weeks before my 21st birthday.

I can say without question that life changed when I became a mom — and so did my friendships.

The few friends I did have didn’t start their families until their late twenties or thirties. The bar scene and parties ended for me long before they did for them. Suddenly I had responsibilities they didn’t have yet, and naturally, different priorities and interests.

My friends didn’t entirely abandon me. They visited, and we stayed in touch regularly for a while. But people grow apart sometimes. You meet new people in new places who share the stage of life you’re currently in — like other parents with young children.

After my second baby was born, I reconnected with a really good friend from high school who had also started her family young. We stayed close for many years.

Now we don’t speak.

My best friend from elementary school through high school had her children around the same time I had my first two. We were pregnant together twice. I love this woman so much, but we don’t connect the way we once did.

Life happens.

Spouses. Kids. Jobs. Depression and anxiety. Aging parents. Exhaustion.

I just hope she knows how important she still is to me, even if our connection now is quieter than it once was.

People come in and out of our lives forever, and loss is hard.

Friends from school have died. I’ve lost other friendships for different reasons.

One of my beautiful friends — someone I met through my daughter’s kindergarten class — was only in my daily life for three years before her family moved away. That loss hit me unbelievably hard.

We still connect occasionally, but not the way we used to.

And yet I love her just the same.

Is it unrealistic to want those intensely close friendships as grown women the way we had them as kids?

Maybe.

But the desire is still there.

There are times I feel profoundly alone, even while surrounded by people I love deeply and who love me in return.

I feel like I’m missing that close connection.

Am I alone in wanting a close friend as a woman nearing 50?

Three years ago, I started volunteering at a museum I spent most of my childhood summers at. I’ve made new friends there — all men, ranging in age from their twenties to their nineties.

There are one or two that I genuinely connect with because of our shared interests.

But sometimes my insecurities get the best of me. I worry that I’m “too much.” Too emotional. Too enthusiastic. Too talkative. Too needy.

And I wonder if maybe I’m simply not someone people form close friendships with.

I love my husband and my kids more than words can explain. They are my safe place. My rock. I wouldn't be here if not for them.

But I still long for that other connection with someone.

And maybe more women feel this way than we admit out loud.